The Night Before Christmas 

Check out the audio file read aloud by 'Stephie' herself.*

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house
Just one creature was stirring, and it wasn't a mouse!

It was way past her bedtime young Stephanie knew
As she crept to the parlor, St. Nicholas to view

She should have been nestled all snug in her bed
But an unanswered question would not leave her head

'Is it true Santa comes Christmas Eve in his sleigh?
Or do grownups just say that to make kids obey?'

They say "Santa's watching! You'd better behave!
You'll get coal in your stocking, not the presents you crave

If you don't do your chores well or keep your room clean
Or get good marks in school, if you know what we mean!"

But every kid's house?  All just in one night?
His reindeer must carry him faster than light!

Stephie'd sat on his lap at the mall, it was true.
But she'd done it again at the Macy's store, too!

Two places at once?!  It just didn't make sense
Unless... it was all just a grownup pretense?

And what about kids with no chimneys? she thought
They all got presents too when they should have got naught

These questions had kept little Stephie awake
Until she was left with but one course to take:

She sneaked from her bedroom, (and broke Mummy's rule!)
To find out if Santa was made-up to fool

Little children like her, disobedience to shun
And to do as they're told to instead of have fun!

As Stephanie crawled 'neath the sofa to hide
There arose such a clatter - a noise from outside

That she ran to the window and lifted the sash
Just in time to see something fly by in a flash

Stephie gasped when she saw.  So it really was true!
There was Santa, the sleigh, and the eight reindeer too!


To the peak of the roof by the chimneytop climb!
There's so many bad children!  There's so little time!"

So up to the housetop St. Nicholas flew
In his sleigh full of birch rods and razor strops, too.

Ev'ry size, shape and thickness of ferule and cane
Each with the sole purpose of bare bottom pain.

Then quick as a wink Stephie turned in surprise
As he dropped down the chimney before her wide eyes.

Santa brushed off the soot, then to Stephanie said,
"Young lady, you oughtn't to be out of bed!

In Sugarplum Dreamland is where you should be."
Then he knelt, "So come here and get over my knee!"

Poor Stephanie now was beginning to rue
The moment she'd doubted that Santa was true!

"Please, Santa!  I'm sorry I disobeyed Mum!
I just... wanted to... wait here and... see if you'd... come..."

Santa patted his knee, (Stephie's voice had trailed off).
"I don't have all evening!" St. Nicholas scoffed,

"There are many more kids I still need to correct
Before this night's over, to teach them respect!"

As Steph slowly approaches her little hand strays
'Cross the seat of her powder pink dropseat peejays

She lay 'oer his knee, then heard Santa command
"It's time to be spanked, Stephanie, move your hand!"

She did as he'd ordered, with a whimper of dread
Regretting the moment she'd strayed from her bed!

He unfastened her drop seat, it fell, and her two
Little saucy bare bottomcheeks came into view.

Santa spoke not a word as he raised his palm high
And then: SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! (Stephie started to cry).

But Santa continued, in spite of her tears
To smack the bare skin of her pinkening rears.


Illustration by Pit

"What on EARTH is this racket!?" Steph's mother inquired

(Woken up by the sounds of Steph's bottom on fire).

From the doorway she then noticed Santa and said
"Hello Santa!" then, "Stephanie!  You're out of bed!"

"That she is," he replied, as Steph cried from the pain
"Yes, your daughter has been very naughty, it's plain."

Then he stood Steph back up while she rubbed her spanked place
As her glistening tears tumbled down off her face

"Thanks alot" said her mother  "I wonder if you
Would be willing to tell me... what else did she do?

This past year my Stephanie must have done some
Unseemly behaviors for which her bare bum

Has escaped the chastisement a little girl needs
To ensure secret naughtiness never succeeds."

In response Santa lit up his pipe and then smiled
And then he replied, "Just last Tuesday your child

Blamed the dog for eating up all of the pie
But he didn't.  Stephanie told you a lie!"

"That was you?" Mum demanded, and turning once more
Her gaze on her daughter (eyes glued to the floor!).

"You ate the meringue pie and blamed Fido, too?
"Yes, Mummy" sobbed Stephie.  (What else could she do?!)

"Young lady, you're due for some swats on the bare
With an implement normally used to brush hair!"

"Merry Christmas!" cried St. Nick, and fresh from his sled
Produced a blue box tied with ribbons of red.

"Thank you Santa!" said Mummy and pulled off the wrapping
Of a pearl inlaid hairbrush, and then began slapping

Young Stephanie's already-tingling backside
Turned up across dear Mummy's lap as she cried.

After Mum felt that Stephie had learned a good lesson
She set down her hairbrush and with an expression

Of keen curiosity, wanted to learn
"Is that all my child did in the past year to earn

A session face down over my lap to feel
A spanking for things which she tried to conceal?"

Santa drew on his pipe and blew many smoke rings
As he told Stephie's mother of numerous things

Which her daughter had done since the old year's inception,
Without her Mum's knowledge, requiring correction.



"Please Santa!  Don't tell on me!" Stephanie wailed

From across her Mum's lap as she rubbed her sore tail

But Santa continued until all was said
About forbidden chocolates eaten in bed

About milk money naughtily squandered on treats
About how Stephie copies test answers and cheats

At her school, (where she'd placed a thumbtack on the chair
Of Miss Phipps, who'd sat down and then jumped in the air!)

About how Stephie feeds any foods that she hates
(Slipped under the table from off of her plate)

To Fido who gulps it all down with delight
And how Steph plays with matches to watch them ignite.

Stephie sat on Mum's lap, Santa then gave away
A brightly wrapped package with ribbons so gay

"Happy Holiday, Stephie!" said jolly St. Nick
"For your year's bad behavior this should do the trick!"

"What is it?" the little girl asked, at a loss
Once Stephie'd unwrapped her new Lochgelly tawse

"Let me show you" said Santa, and sat on the couch
He pulled Steph 'cross his lap and at once she cried, "OUCH!"

(He had flicked Stephie's present across her bare seat!)
"Please Santa!  It burns with a horrible heat!"


Illustration by Barb (BJ)

Up spoke Stephie's mother, "Let ME have a go!"

As she picked up the tawse, little Stephie cried "NO!

Don't spank me again!  And please not with that strap!"
But Mummy pulled Stephie back over her lap

And proceeded to thoroughly smack that small rear
For all of Steph's naughtiness throughout the year

As the tawse fell poor Stephanie howled from the pain
As her Mum whipped her bottom again and again

Correcting her every unpunished infraction
As Stephie kicked, squirmed, sobbed and bawled in reaction

At last it was over, the tawse set aside
And Mummy held Stephanie close while she cried

"That spanking could never have hurt you as much
As it just now hurt me," cooed her mother, "so HUSH!"

Sobbed Steffie to Santa while rubbing her rear
"I guess I deserve no nice presents this year

Because I was such a bad girl it is true
I'll have nothing but coal in my stocking - BOO HOO!"

Santa said with a smile, "Haven't you paid the price
For all of those times you were naughty, not nice?

Santa saw all the days when you were 'good as gold,'
When you picked up your legos without being told,

You helped Mum in the kitchen bake pastries and bread,
And pulled all the bindweeds from her flowerbed.

All the times you were quiet when Mummy's head ached,
All the dishes you washed and the leaves that you raked,

All your kind thoughts and kind words for family and friends,
Come Christmastide, Stephi, now pay dividends!"

Santa turned to his sack and then reached his hand deep
'neath the gaily wrapped implements piled in a heap,

And withdrew a green parcel with ribbon so red
Santa puffed on his pipe and to Stephanie, said,

"Merry Christmas! A Happier New Year awaits!"
As Steph tore off the wrap from her brand new ice skates.

"Oh!  They're just what I wanted!" cried Steph with delight.
"I know," smiled St. Nick, "Now I bid you 'good night.'"

"Do you have to go, Santa?" cried Steph in distress,
As he hoisted his sack he turned back and said, "Yes,

This night is so short, and all over the land
Many more little heinies still need to be tanned!"

Mum and Steph waved goodbye as he wiggled his nose
And then with a whoosh up the chimney he rose

Once more in his sleigh with a flick of his cane
The eight reindeer took to the sky once again

But Steph heard him exclaim as away they did sail

*"Stephie's" "photo" courtesy of Not an actual child.

(c) Handprints, 2003
For permission to repost write to handprince at hush dot com

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